when i saw jess in her cadet inspector PT kit....i'm reminded of the happy moments that i use to have before this. it was never the same anymore as time passes by. i thought in my heart, will it ever reappear?what used to be the best is all in the pass now. looking at the pictures, i ask in my heart, is my smile still the same like those that i've portrayed in the pictures? what is it that i use to have which makes me soo happy and excited which is now lost? i'm so attached to npcc that i still have those memories fresh in my mind. and here comes....why do i still have to hold on to the past?because i live on it!i live on the moments, the memories that i had. that is what built the real me. the experience....the happiness....everything that have come from the past!and i never want to forget it. i still want it fresh in my mind. because i still want, to be able to reminince the past. to know who i was before this and to spot the difference in me. to know what i've done before this. to still remember the people who have placed an imprint in my life and shaping who i am now. to give recognition to them... ' npcc might not be 100% the thing which makes me happy, but the experience that it brought me, the bonds that it have helped established with wonderful people, it brought me closer to the things that i'm passionate about, the sense of achievement, the shine that it have put in my life.....arrrggghhh!it is just difficult to be explained. but i need to let this out of myself! i'm just angry that i couldnt accept the state i'm in now. blaming everything to the present and still thinking that the past is the best. i mean, i can change it!but why i'm not doing the right thing??but will me,myself and i, doing the right thing all by myself without the help of the people around me, help to change the present? is it that bad?or am i just having wild imaginations?damn!i only have myself to blame. i hate to repeat this again and again...however, i just miss the past. the past which have become a part of me. which i dont think i can ever turn back time, to be able to experience the past all over again. the only thing that i could do now is only reminince the past. i just wish to remind myself about it. so that i wont forget the history. forgive me for throwing you this topic again and again....but i just couldnt help it. understand me.....that's all i seek. only god knows what i'm feeling right now. life now, isnt what i hope it would be. i accpet my fate and i'll just take in what i'm fated with. i cant changed what have been predistined. perhaps the only thing i could do is only to go with the flow, if this is really what my life is suppose to be. i'm glad that i have experience happiness before this. kalau ini harus berterusan.....aku redha....

i still seek for light to appear.....at the end of the day.......

lots of love, ::isnani::